Greed and the Bunch of Other Things
by Saiyakupo
Summary: A/U. A really random, messed up story mostly involving Greed. What happens when things take a very much unexpected, extremely drastic turn when Izumi and Edward come to rescue Alphonse in the basement of the Devil's Nest?
1. The Devil's Nest

_A/N: A really random screwed up FMA fan fiction mostly involving Greed._

_This story is AU. I am quite aware that obviously the anime's and manga's version is much better. But I wanted to write this for my own pure entertainment. _

_I APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE FOR THIS STORY!!!!_

-----

The air coated with moisture flowing about in heavy wisps. It was a day filled with unexpected darkness. For the light in the bathroom went out while Greed was taking a shower.

"What the hell..." He cussed at the freaking light bulb.

Later that day, things began to look up. Way up, not very high, but they were still up there. It was the first time in a long, long time that a woman tried to kick his ass. He felt a freaking gigantic fist created entirely of cement explode against his forehead, causing his face to feel the the wrath of incredible... tingles. It would have probably felt a little more painful for someone else.

"Aren't you going to fight back?" Growled Izumi.

"I already told you: I don't want to hit you..." Greed gave the most unmistakable pouting frown ever.

"We've been at this for an hour!" Izumi's eyebrow flinched in irritation.

"I know." Stated Greed, just grinning.

And so they continued their combat, or rather, Izumi continued her trying to beat the living crap out of the homunculus. The basement of the tavern never felt better... I mean worse. Much mess was made, and much cement was transmuted into weapons. Al just sat and watched for he was sort of chained up at the moment, with a snake chimera making her home in his armor, not allowing him to move much anyways. As well, all of the rest of Greed's henchmen also sat and watched, for Izumi had already mauled the life out of them. They weren't dead, just sleeping. Last but not least, Izumi's husband was also watching, because she told him to.

'I'm going to take his body, and rip it to shreds!!!!!!!' Thought Izumi, her mind yelling so loud she was about to give herself a migraine.

'She's got a great body.' Thought Greed, his mind... not changing much.

A few more minutes of fighting, transmuting, smashing, wall-and-floor abuse, and Greed-gawking, then Izumi's body could take no more. She collapsed to the floor, coughing out what looked like her guts. Greed didn't find that hot at all. He tilted his head, feeling sorry for her, but he decided to still act like a cold hearten prick.

He picked her up by her collar, glaring (sort of) at the others. "So... are we done?" He asked as a chunk of cement randomly fell from the wall behind him.

It wasn't long though before a (very) pissed Edward Elric came charging in like stampede of angry demon trains of doom. He opened the gates of hell with his rage, but closed them almost immediately after as he melted, seeing a kitten curled up on the top of Al's helmet head. Then looked back to Greed and continued his exploding again.

A battle began almost immediately. The basement couldn't take much more, but somehow, it held up as it continued being transmuted into more and more giant weapons of smashing power. Izumi freed herself from the (deadly?) grasp of Greed, and soon both Alchemists, Ed and Izumi's combined powers were at work. Which by the way, still failed to defeat Greed. It wasn't long before the homunculus got fed up and actually decided to fight back. He needed to defend what was left of the bar's basement, lest the whole place give out and collapse atop them. Though this turn of events would not change who he was. He turned to Edward, glaring (sort of).

"Let's finish this, man to man!" He said, translation: 'I'll fight you, but just you! I may seem like an ass but I still don't want to hit your hot teacher!'

And so, the real battle began, it was awesome, but for some reason Greed still didn't fight back much, until...

"Alright, I didn't want to show you this, since it does get.... really freaking ugly." The homunculus began to peel of his coat (if there were fan girls, there would be gawking). He dropped it on the floor next to him, and allowed some sort of dark substance to crawl up his flesh (the fan girls would want to be said substance). Soon, it covered him completely, transforming him into what looked like an angry black demon of doom. With sparkling teeth. He posed in an awesome battle stance and taunted the Fullmetal Alchemist to attack. "C'mon!" He said, appearing menacing, but then only a second later, his fearsome appearance was completely destroyed. The kitten which was snoozing on Al's head, was crawling up in the rafters above, it fell, and was now on Greed's head. "What the!?" He reached up to grab the kitten with his claws.

"MEW!" Hollered the kitten.

"Brother!!" Shouted Al. "Don't let him hurt the kitten!" Al was shaking with fright. More frightened than he was when he was captured and brought here, and quite possibly even more frightened than any day he's ever experienced his teacher's wrath...

Ed's simple response was a swift kick with his automail leg into Greed's stomach, sending the black homunculus into the (already abused) wall behind him.

Greed now, stuck in a crater in the wall, sat there with this arm sticking out of it. At the end of his arm, his hand was grasping the kitten by the scruff of it's neck, with two clawed fingers. The kitten still managed to hold it's cute, happy face. And mewed. Was it retarded?

The homunculus pulled himself from the wall and stood up, approaching Ed once again, still holding the kitten in his two fingers, tilted his (evil?) head. He simply asked. "What do you have against cats, that you had to boot me into the wall the moment you saw it, huh?"

Ed did not reply. Neither did Al. Suddenly, the kitten escaped Greed's grasp and magnetically suctioned itself to the side of the homunculus' (shinny teethed) head.

"Mew!" It declared, looking like it was in love.

"Aw, well now I can't fight him!" Stated Edward, transmuting the blade on his automail back into his arm.

"Well dammit!" Cussed Greed. "This cat went and ruined our fight!" He sounded very disappointed. "Asshole cat."

"Mew!" It simply responded.

All of a sudden, the entire building exploded and collapsed, trapping everyone beneath the rubble. This included Ed, Al, Izumi, Izumi's husband, a bunch of other people, Greed, and .. the kitten.

"Kimbley!!!" Shouted Frank Archer. "I said get us in there! Not blow the whole place up!!"

"Oops..." Replied Kimbley.

"You dumb ass..." Grumbled Archer.

For some reason, the military left the devastating sight, that day, with plans to dig it up to get the bodies out... someday. Some theorize their slowness was because they were being lazy, or perhaps it was because... no just laziness. No matter. It gave some time for the most unexpected thing to happen next...

_A/N: .... that you don't get to find out until later on in this story!_


	2. The Teacher

"Teacher?"

"Yes, Alponse?" Izumi looked to the big armor boy next to her.

"You've been staring at him for a while... Is something the matter?"

Izumi shot one extremely deadly glare at the boy. "Nothing!!! Only that I'm plotting how I'm am going to rip his arms off when he wakes up!!!!" She looked as angry as a truckload of wild male lions fighting over a steak.

"No! Teacher!" Al guarded himself for dear life, fearing that he was about to be thrown through the wall next to them (which was very thick, by the way). "I was just asking! I'll go, now." Al walked off and left her to her staring. Izumi walked off soon after.

Yes, the four of them had survived the exploding building; Izumi, Al, Ed, and Sig were all alive and kicking. Well Izumi was kicking, people... as usual. Now Ed did not feel so good anymore.

"Why did you bring him here?!!?" Growled Izumi as she threw Ed across the landscape and into a tree as they talked and 'trained' in the wilderness. She insisted on this. Though it wasn't actually training. Just Izumi beating the living snot out of Ed and Al. "You know what he tried to do!!!"

"Teacher!" Pleaded Al as he was thrown into the air, and did not come back down, for he was now entangled in a tree. "Please just hear us out!" A boulder made it's way to his head.

"Don't take it out on him, teacher! It's my fault!" Admitted Ed, asking for it, as soon a fist met with his face, then his back met with the ground. He didn't get back up.. for he didn't want to.

Al soon fell out of the tree and said 'hello' to the ground below him. Now both Elric brothers were laying out on the ground, groaning in pain pathetically. Even though Al couldn't feel pain, he moaned in.. sympathy pain for Ed then. Izumi just stood there, glaring deathly at them.

"Get up!!!" She demanded.

"So you can beat us up some more?" Moaned Ed. "Maybe later..."

"Well then, tell me why you brought him here!" Izumi boomed.

"Couldn't you have just asked nicely?" Replied Al. "I would have been glad to tell you."

"I needed to punish you first!" Roared Izumi. Stupid question. "Now tell me!"

"Okay." Al said, sitting up, carefully, not wanting to make any sudden movements to make her want to kick him again. "I'll tell you..."

The first thing Al recalled after the collapse was the noise of chunks of cement and rubble being shuffled and moved around, then the moonlight and city lights breaking through them just barely. Soon his head was free to see the starry sky, but he also saw....

"Greed?" He looked and saw the sharp-toothed grin of the homunculus staring back at him from above.

"I see you're still alive." He held a hand out to Al.

"You're the one who said I was immortal." Al dug out his arm and grasped the homunculus' hand, who soon helped yank him out from the pile. Al was free to look around... everything was destroyed. "My brother..." He whimpered. "My teacher! And Sig! We have to save them!" Al immediately began digging through the rubble with his arms, frantically. "I know you're only out for yourself but.. please help, please! My brother could be dying.. or.." He whimpered again.

"On one condition." Replied Greed.

Al grumbled. "That I tell you how to transmute a soul into a suit of armor, right?!" He said, sounding annoyed.

"That would be nice, but, no, not right now. The condition is that you help me dig out *my* friends, too." Greed stated. Al suddenly changed his view towards him, right then and there... but it only got better, afterward. They both heard a sudden 'mew!'

"The kitten! Where is she?!" Al searched for where the sound came from.

"Relax, kid." Replied Greed, and held the kitten out by the scruff of it's neck before him, carefully. "The kitten was the first thing I rescued."

Back in the forest, Ed was sitting up, now, listening intently to Al's story of how they survived.

"And then, Marta jumped out of me, and began helping us, too! Soon we saved you all, but you were unconscious." Al continued. "Some of Greed's henchmen were dead, unfortunately, but, the rest were okay! They awoke before you and went on their own way back to... I don't know where. For some reason, Greed came back here. And is now sleeping on your couch."

Ed just stared, saying nothing, for he didn't want a fist to his face, which he didn't get. Instead, Al got a boot to his head (helmet), it was sent flying off and into another tree.

"I asked you to explain WHY you let him in my home!" Roared Izumi, flaming to great extremities. "That doesn't explain anything!!!!!"

"Teacher!" Ed stood up, shakily, just barely able to stand, he crumbled to the ground again though, on one knee. "Please! Let me explain..."

"Alright then." Izumi shot her death gaze at him.

Ed deflected it with his automail arm. "Al is..." He lowered his arm, looking at her with his 'please don't hurt me no mores' eyes. "Greed lived in that tavern. It was his home, at least that's what I've heard. And now it's gone. Al is a very caring, and compassionate person. There is no one in this world that can rival his kindness. So he let him into.. .." He gulped. ".. into your house." he covered his head with his arm again. "He couldn't say 'no' to someone in dire need, not even that homunculus."

"Touching!" Izumi was still freaking angry. Ed soon found her foot on his chest, she stomped him into the ground. More pain. "Now tell me your excuse!!!" She was extra cruel today.

"Umm." Ed struggled. Izumi finally let him go, so he could speak. He didn't sit up again. "He promised... that he would tell me how to kill the homunculi..."

Izumi silenced. That she understood. She held her hand out to him, he grasped it, carefully, hoping she wasn't going to just throw him across the world again. But no, this time, she actually was just helping him stand to his feet.

"Umm, a little help?" Said headless Al as he tried in vain to climb the tree that his head was stuck in.

After Ed rescued Al's head from the tree, they returned to Izumi's home. Izumi wasted no time before she executed her next choice. She found him... the monster, walking around in HER house. How dare he walk around! In her house, yet! The very second after she saw him, he was sent through the window via Izumi's magnificently fearsome throw. "Get out of my house and stay out!!!" She hollered at the very top of her lungs.

Greed stood up outside, shards of glass stuck in his hair, and in his fluffy coat which he managed to replace rather quickly after the explosion. His also-brand-new glasses were broke now, and fell off his face, to reveal, a very surprised expression. He soon did his thing he always does, and simply put his hand in his pocket, and grinned. "I like your 'welcomes'." He grinned. "First you visit my home, and punch me in the face. And now, I visit your home, and you throw me out the window!" He continued his grin, even after she jumped out the window in pursuit of him, and continued to try and maul him to bits.

"Teacher!" Shouted Ed, running outside, Al followed after.

"Stay out of this!" She turned and shouted to them. Greed just watched. "I don't need your help! I can handle him on my own!"

"I wasn't out here to help." Said Ed.

"What?"

"I am out here to say..." Ed paused. ".. could you at least take it to the forest where there are less people and buildings to damage?"

So they did. Ed and Al followed, though, in case the homunculus would go back on his word... come to think of it, he didn't even say any 'word'. Not like 'hey, let's be friends now, okay?' or 'I promise not to try to make it look I'm going to kill you ever again'. Or anything like that. Aaah maybe THAT'S why Izumi still wants to beat the living crap out of him. Maybe. Nonetheless, Ed and Al just stood there and watched.

"You know, maybe we could just talk this over?" Greed asked, attempting to sound polite as he continued to avoid Izumi's punches and kicks and transmuted-spear attacks.

"I'm not one for talk!!!" She roared as she continued her onslaught of attacks. Using her alchemy to transmute traps from the ground, breaking spears against his Ultimate Shield, and bruising herself against it as she tried desperately to make him feel his proper punishment by punching and kicking him furiously.

"Okay, then you leave me no choice." Greed threw his arms forward and grasped her upper arms tightly with his hands, trapping them against her sides. He picked her up, her legs kicking furiously, knocking against his chest and head.

"Teacher!!" Hollered Ed and Al as they rushed in to save her.

"No!" Izumi shouted back at them, they stopped. "I told you already, I'll handle this myself!"

"Well go on. Do it." Greed grinned his razor toothy grin.

"Do what?" Izumi roared.

"Free yourself, of coarse." He simply said, still grinning.

Izumi had no idea what he was implying, but she did the first thing that came to mind, and pressed her feet against his chest, pushing hard with her legs. Bending her elbows and bringing up her free hands, she grasped his arms as tightly as she could, digging her fingers into him, then pulled her body backwards as hard as she could.

"You can do it, old lady." Greed continued to grin, holding her arms tighter.

"OLD?!?!" Izumi summoned up all that was in her to give one final, extremely powerful yank on his arms with her whole body.

Ed and Al's jaws dropped to the ground at the result. Their teacher freed herself, by ripping off Greed's arms. Their jaws just sat there on the ground. They made no sound except random squeak-like noises of shock.

"I told you I didn't need your help." She looked to them as she landed on the ground, Greed's arms falling limply off of her shoulders and plopping down. The two boys' jaws still didn't close. She looked back to the homunculus, and saw, he was not crying out in pain, he was not angry.... he was.. STILL GRINNING! 'What in the hell...' was her thought.

"I knew you could do it!" He chuckled a little, looking at the bloody stumps attached to his shoulders that was once his arm, then looking back to Izumi, thinking, 'I think I'm in love...' His arms quickly regenerated back. His former arms still laying next to Izumi. "I heard you yelling earlier today while I was attempting to sleep. Thought I wouldn't hear you? You shouted that you wanted to rip off my arms. So I gave you that pleasure. Now." He put one of his new hands into his pocket. "Where were we?" His current battle stance was not epic, he just grinned, waiting for her next move. Which would probably be to pick up his former arms and begin beating him with them. Most likely.

Izumi simply sighed, letting loose, now. "I think were done, here." She turned around and walked back to Ed and Al, picking up their jaws and putting them back in their faces (even though Al's jaw can't detach, nor even open, anyways). "Lets go home, boys."

"But, teacher!" Said Al. "What about him?" He pointed at Greed.

"Yeah." Ed's eyebrows bent to a cross between determination, and agitation. "He still needs to tell us how to kill the homunculi!" His fist clenched.

"Do what you want." Izumi waved them off. "But do not.. and I repeat. DO NOT let him back into my house. YOU UNDERSTAND?!" She burned. They responded quickly with understanding. "Good." And she walked off.

Though, Greed followed her.

"Wait, don't you think that's a bad idea?" Ed tried to stop him. "She kind of... hates your guts!"

"How do you know?" He stopped, turning around to face the short Alchemist. "Your little theory is probably just about as good as mine."

Ed suddenly exploded. "Don't you call me a little thingy about as visible as a speck of dirt stuck to the bottom of your shoe!!!!"

Greed just stared, thinking 'Whut...'.

Al attempted to hold him back. "Calm down, brother, that's not what he said!"

"Let me at him!" Ed ranted. "I'll cut him to pieces, watch him regenerate, then cut him to pieces again!!!"

Greed still stared..

A few minutes later, Al managed to calm Ed down, and both somehow (magically) managed to convince the Homunculus not to follow Izumi.

They stood, just on the outskirts of the forest, overlooking the buildings before them. Greed soon began explaining to them the truths, and how to kill the homuncului. Though, he didn't stop there... he told them then, of his final goal....

"What I ultimately wanted, should I fail to gain everything else..." Greed said as he looked to the tattoo on his hand. "Was to be killed."

Ed and Al were shocked. "But why?" Al asked.

"Because, if you two should fail to kill the other homunculi, and their leader, I would be locked up again to rot for the rest of eternity!" He clenched his fist, snarling at nothing off in the distance.

"You don't seem like the kind of guy who would just give up and die." Ed sounded irritated.

"I'm not." Replied Greed. "I only want to live for the rest of eternity however I see fit. Getting everything I wanted and more. Without being tied down, but if that should all fail, the second choice would be death, not to be locked up in a cage again with nothing but my own thoughts." He growled, anger fuming. "That's why I wanted my soul transmuted into a suit of armour! So I could no longer be bound by them!"

"Wow Greed... I never knew..." Replied Al.

"Hmm, I just realized something." The homunculus' grin grew back suddenly. "I'm acting out of character. So let's fix this, let's start with. Hey.. let's be friends!"

Ed suddenly smiled. "You're not acting out of character." He stated. "You're acting.. human."

"Brother?" Al looked to Ed.

Ed looked to Al, then nodded, looking back to the homunculus. "I think it's time to tell you, Greed."

Greed just listened.

"Homunculi can't use alchemy, so I can't teach you." Explained Ed. "But, another Alchemist could transmute your soul into a suit of armour. The only problem though.. is...." He paused for a moment, looking down, then up again. "Homunculi have no souls."

Greed just rubbed his chin, thinking for abit. "Okay. So that's how it is." He looked away. 'So they too, believe I have no soul. Peh, I'll let them think that.' He thought, then looked back to them. "Then, I'll just be counting on you two." He shrugged. "Kill them. All of them. So I will never have to be locked up again. Do this. That's all I want from you."

"Are you sure that's all you want?" Ed asked, not believing him.

"Yeah, you're right about that, that's not all I want." Stated Greed. "I also want that cat."

"What?" Said Al.

"And some of that food you had at that house." Greed continued. "It was damn good."

"That's not ours though." Said Ed.

Greed ignored him. "And a helluva lot of other things, including, your teacher. She's hot."

"WHAT?!" Ed and Al both jumped. "NO!"

"Aww come on!" Greed pleaded. "But I want her! I won't stop until I have her!" He said, his greedy greediness showing on his face.

"No!" Ed and Al continued to decline, the brothers bickering with the homunculus for the next ten, fifteen minutes, maybe half an hour.


	3. The Kitten

The next day (or something more distant maybe), Greed was atop of a building overlooking the rubble that was once the Devil's Nest tavern. Rescuers were finally using machinery and alchemy to dig up the remains of the rest of the people buried beneath the rubble. He watched them, thinking. He continued to wonder: why did it take so long for them to finally start? He jumped off of the building and into a nearby alleyway. Making himself scarce, attempting to be invisible, he listened in on a conversation between two gossipers near the scene.

"Do you think it's because they were just lazy?" One said to the other.

"It could be." The second person replied. "But it's most likely because they were waiting for the people in there to die."

"Say what..."

"Some say that Fullmetal was among the victims crushed by the rubble!"

"Now I really don't believe you. I'm pretty sure they were just lazy."

Greed was already gone before they barely started the conversation, he was bored and didn't care what the reason was behind the slowness, anyways. He was out for one thing, and one thing only: picking up ladies... no wait, that was the excuse he was going to give if someone asked what he was doing. He was searching for the chimeras he hired...

He didn't find them.

Well damn.

---

"I..." Al sounded like he was about to cry. "I can't find herrrr!" He whimpered.

Ed approached him, asking. "Find who, Al?"

"The kitten!" He continued to whimper. "She's gone!"

"I bet Greed took it!" Ed clenched his fist. "That damn homunculus!"

"I hope so!" Said Al.

Ed gave a strange look. "What...?"

"He said he wanted to have her. Maybe he's taking good care of her!"

"You trust him!?!" Shouted Ed.

"Hey, his name is 'Greed'." Said Al. "Not 'Falsehood'. Hehe, that was funny."

"Still! He's a homunculus! We can't trust him!"

"What's that got to do with it?"

"Hurry! We have to save the cat!" Ed grabbed Al's big metal arm and dragged him off in some random direction to the forest.

"Wait, brother! You don't even know where you're going!"

Within a few minutes, they managed to find Greed, sitting up in a tree, way up, just chilling and looking around.

"There he is!" Al pointed. "Let's go ask him!" He stomped up to the base of the tree, and looked up, shouting. "Heeeeeeeeeeyyy!"

Greed looked down and replied. "Hey."

"How did you get all the way up there without any branches leading to the top?" Al gasped for a second. "Can you fly???"

Ed just stopped... "Umm."

Greed dropped from the tree suddenly and landed with a giant THUD on the ground, and not on his feet either. On his neck, actually. Which would be broken if he was anyone else. Then stood up, brushing the leaves off of his hair, and off of his fluffy coat.

"I guess not..." Said Al, a bit disappointed.

"Never mind Al, were here to find out what happened to the cat!" Said Ed.

"You're right!" Al responded, then looked to Greed. "Do you know where the cat went?"

"I was about to ask you." Said the Homunculus, stuffing his hands in his pockets. "Don't you keep track of your minions?"

"She's not my minion, she's my friend!" Pouted Al.

"Oh. That makes sense. Not like the little pip squeak next to you. He makes a good minion, always following you around." Greed then took the full punishment of Ed's exploding anger. Which resulted in very bad things.

"Brother no!!!!!" Al was shocked, and quite horrified at his brother's ... extreme.. overreaction. "You didn't have to cut off his head!!"

"It grows back!" Said Ed.

"Yeah but still!"

Soon after Greed's head grew back, the three strange people began searching the woods, in vain. Al continuously calling for the kitty, not giving up.

"Here kitty kitty kitty!" He shouted.

"Let's split up." Said Ed. "We'll cover more ground that way."

"I guess." Said Greed as he leaped tremendously into the sky, sending himself up to the tallest branches of the tallest tree nearby. Then hopping to the next, then the next, until they could see him no more.

"Whoa..." Said Al, watching in awe. "He really DOES fly!!!!"

Ed just watched, giving a strange look to Al and his over-impressed-ness.

The whole day had passed above their heads. The three strange cat-rescuers met up again to discuss this matter. Ed was ready to give up, but Al was not.

"I won't give up on her!" Said Al. "I will search all week if I have to!"

"Easy for you to say." Ed flopped down onto the ground behind him. "You don't have to eat, or sleep. Me on the other hand.... I'm staaarving."

"Brother....." Al said nothing more and turned, charging off into the woods.

"What's up with him?" Greed tilted an eyebrow.

"You wouldn't understand..." Pouted Ed, then stood up and took off after his brother. "Al, wait! I'm sorry!!!"

"Ookay...." The Homunculus blinked. Suddenly, he heard a mew, and something with sharp claws began climbing up his leathery pant leg. Holy freaking damn. The one day he decided not to have his 'Ultimate Sheild' on beneath his pants, and a cat has to maul his flesh. It hurt. Though maybe not as much as having his arms ripped off, or getting his head ripped off, or chopped off, and growing it back. So then this was nothing, but still pretty annoying. He looked down and his pants, and noticed. It was *the cat*. "Heyyy...." He picked the kitten up, it still held the same cute little innocent (and retarded) expression of happy love. He looked then to see if Ed and Al were far off, and they were. He couldn't see them anymore. 'Well damn.... now what?' He thought.

He leaped up again into a nearby tree. Tree jumping until he was a fair ways away. He wasn't sure where he was going, his destination though, was 'Teacher's' house, but first he needed to find the Elric bro-.. wait, why did he want to find those two? Why did he have to tell them he found the cat? Where was his brain? 'I should just let them find out on their own.' he thought, and decided to change course and head straight to Izumi's house, running on foot with the kitten in his fluffy coat collar. It mewed a happy little song the entire way there. Why did he want this cat anyways? He didn't understand himself at all...

Another window in Izumi's house was now shattered.

"I told you to STAY OUT!!!" She flipped, threatening the returned Homunculus with the wrath of... something scarier even than doom.

Greed stood again, grinning, again, correcting his collar and brushing shards of glass off of his head and fuzz.

Luckily, he had set the kitten down already before first attempting to enter the house.

"MEW." It said, staring at him with that ridiculously adorable yet freaking dumb look as he stood there, plotting what to do next.

That night, the Elric brothers returned to their teacher's house, finding something to fill their hearts with joy, well, mostly Al's heart.

"She's here! She's okay!" The big boy said as he picked up the kitten and almost hugged her, realizing his hug might be too big for such a little kitten, he decided it best to just be joyful.

"When did it come back?" Asked Ed, looking to his teacher.

"I'm not sure." She answered while handing him some food. "Around the time that... thing came back."

"What thing?" Asked Ed, scratching his head and then stuffing his face with food.

"That... thing that was following you!" She replied, looking irritated.

"What thing?" Asked Al, petting the kitten as it purred.

"That ....thing!" She didn't want to say his name. "I threw him out the window again!"

"Ooooh!" It clicked suddenly in Ed's mind. "You mean Greed!" Suddenly he was punched by her, food flew out of his mouth. "Ow, what was that for?" He winced as he rubbed the side of his cheek.

"Because I'm pissed!" She snapped.

"Okay I guess that was a dumb question." He continued rubbing the side of his now swelling cheek.

"Brother?" Al turned to Ed.

"Hmm?" Ed looked at him, stuffing more food in his mouth.

"Earlier, when we were talking to him.. you called him 'human'." He wondered for a second. "What did you mean by that?"

Ed looked irritated, eating more food. "I only said he was *acting* human, I didn't mean he really was human. He's still an alchemist's mistake. Don't worry about it."

"Okay, brother." Al didn't sound like he was going to let this off of his mind, but it wasn't Greed he was concerned about, it was something else....

"MEW!" The kitten randomly blurted, as suddenly all of Al's worries melted away with one cute little retarded kitten's smile.


	4. The Not Really Romance

A few days to a week later, Izumi was stomping on 'that thing's' face, just outside of her house.

"When will you get it through your useless skull!?!?" She shouted. "I." STOMP! "Don't." STOMP! "Want." STOMP! "You." STOMP! "Here!!" STOMP!

She soon backed off, watching him stand up, just grinning again. He decided it best not to buy new glasses before returning to her again. This was a good choice on his part, for they would be inside of his eyes, about now, if he did. "Tell me why you get so angry upon seeing me, or, as I could guess, even hearing about me?" He still grinned.

"Isn't it obvious?!" She just glared FLAMES OF DEATH into his face, not giving any other answer but that. "JUST LEAVE!!"

"No, not that." He chuckled. "I meant the *real* reason."

"What?" She gave an irritated look, not knowing what he meant.

He just went and said it. "You want me don't you?" Then got thrown across the world, and into a tree. Sliding down said tree, he watched the speck that was Izumi, far far away, go back to doing her chores. "Oh, she so wants me."

Soon after standing to his feet again, he began picking out about a million slivers, while walking right back to her house, going in for attempt number fifty-eight-thousand. He wasn't sure how many tries he's done so far, but it might be somewhere around there.

This time around, he got within twenty meters of her, and he felt the next round of attempted-murder about to begin. And it did begin as she charged furiously towards him, but it did not last for more than two seconds, this time around. He frowned as he watched her collapse before him, coughing out her innards like once before. She could barely move, and only stood there on her hands and knees, panting.

"Uum.. Izumi...? You doing alright there?" He had no idea what to do. He just stood there. Dummy.

Izumi coughed once more, then struggled to use her voice. "... why.. are you still here? Why do you keep coming back?"

He wouldn't lie to her, nor to himself. So he just outright said it. "Well... because I'm in love!" He smiled, kneeling before her. ... and then.. there was silence. And crickets.... And more crickets. Chirp. Chirp. Chirp.

Later that day, they sat.. and for once... they were talking. TALKING. Like normal people. NORMAL PEOPLE. The world would probably end in the next few moments, but for now, they enjoyed life, and a little conversation while sitting on the ground. Though, it didn't stay normal for very long. Okay maybe the world wasn't going to end after all.

"You do know I'm married, right?" Izumi glared at Greed, like usual.

"Yes." Greed blinked.

"Then why do you keep coming back?"

"Now were at the beginning again." He grinned in amusement.

"You do know I'm not going to accept you!" Her voice raised. "No matter what you say, or do!"

"I know!" He scratched his head. "I can't help myself though! My chest aches so badly! I wanted to see you and your complete hotness again!" Aaaand she punched him. This time, he didn't use his shield, so her fingers weren't broke, but his face stung. He just chuckled, grinning again.

"Even if I wasn't married, you're too damn messed up for my tastes!" She continued her glaring.

"How so?"

"Normal people give flowers as a gift." She explained, her voice softening. "Or food, or letters, as a token of love." Then her eyebrows bent again, as she roared. "Not their bloody, dripping, DETACHED ARMS!"

"Oh yeah.." He chuckled, remembering. "You said you wanted them, though. Didn't it make you happy?" He chuckled again.

"No!" More glaring.

He just continued laughing. "Oh well. It was fun seeing the look on your face, though!" He then got booted over again, and then was on his side. Izumi hastily standing up and walking away. They basically got nowhere.

Later, the Homunculus showed himself the way off of her property. Sparing the lady the effort of kicking him off, herself. Izumi went back to her chores, but as she did, she watched him walk away with his hands in his pockets.

That's when she caught herself. She was staring! Damn! Why? She spent much of the rest of the day trying to figure out the reason behind her gawking. She tended to her chores, completed them, then sat. Thinking. And thinking. Crickets chirping. Then it hit her. More crickets chirped. Damn annoying crickets.

Greed thought to himself for a little while, as well, while walking on his way back to the remains of the Devil's Nest. He hoped he could pick up a trail that led him to his hired chimeras that might start from there. He was lost in thought on his way there. Which was somewhat rare for him now... or very rare, actually. He hated being lost in thought after all he had was thoughts back when he was locked up. He wanted not to think now, and let instict take over, but today was not the case. His now-rare thought process took over his brain. It was so rare, and un-practiced in fact, that this is how it went: 'Why do I like her? ............... rice is great............ Boobs. ................. Cats have sharp claws.................. where was I? Oh yes. Why do I like her? ........................ boobs. Girls have them. All girls have them! They are nice. But why are her's special? .............................. I have just walked into a tree.' He cussed aloud and glared at the tree in front of him. He wasn't hurt, just annoyed. He should not be looking at the ground while walking. He decided to free his brain from the merciless grasp of thinking and started tree-and-building-jumping (or as Al would put it, 'flying').

That night, or the next day, or whenever it was, Izumi was speaking about this matter to her husband.

"It was because..." She said, speaking in guilt. "... no matter what I did, or what I said, he wouldn't even scratch me. He even stopped defending himself with that weird shield of his after a while."

Sig just sat there with all his chunkiness, causing an imbalance to the couch so his wife was sitting much higher on it at her end than usual, and listened to her.

"He kept coming back again and again. Yes, he is greedy. That is his name after all... but so much effort for just one woman, when what a ... THING like him would really want is multitudes of women? Bleck."

"Roast beef." Replied Sig, finally. "5 dollars pe- err.. Sorry. It's a habit." He didn't have much to say. Izumi stared at him. He stared back. There was a staring contest for the next little while, but then, the big man stood up, and threw off his shirt. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, sparkles appeared, and he flexed like there was no tomorrow. Izumi just stared with stars in her eyes. "Don't look so surprised, I learned from the master!" A flashback in his mind appeared of Armstrong showing off his prized family heirloom of bulky muscles, and pink sparkles.

Izumi forgot allll about Greed.

--


	5. The Snake Lady

The next day, Greed was tackled.

"You are SOOOO hot!!" Squealed a very badly dressed pretty blonde lady hanging off of him. "Come here into this random alleyway with me!"

"Okay!" The greedy one grinned huuuge and followed her gladly into the dark alleyway. Then suddenly a gun was pressed against his head.

"Give me all of your money!" The woman glared as she pressed the barrel into his temple.

"No." Greed simply replied, just staring at her, and grinning.

"Do it or I'll fire!"

"No."

"Oh come on! I don't want to shoot you, but I want money more than I do want to not shoot you. So give all your money to me now!"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Think about it?"

"No."

"Pretty please?"

"No."

She fired the gun. BANG.

"Ew I actually shot him!" The girl almost cried. But then shrugged. "Oh well! Time to take his money now!" Clearly she had done this before. She knelt down to his corpse and began digging for any change or anything he might have on him. "Nothing???? Then why didn't he just say so??? Oh well I'll just take his fluffy jacket." She began stripping off his jacket when suddenly, he began to sit up. She let go.

"That's mine!" He demanded, something sparkled at the side of his head, and the girl looked. No more hole. He stood to his feet, the lady backing away quickly.

"Wh-what are you?!?!" She whimpered in fright.

"Greedy." He said as he walked towards her. "I don't give anyone anything of mine. But I believe you owe me something for blowing a hole in my head."

"Take all of my money! Just don't hurt me!" Cried the girl as she emptied her pockets of all of her change, and bills, even throwing her gun to him. She then turned and ran away in fear.

"Uuh." Greed blinked. "I was thinking something more like an apology, but..." He shrugged. "This will be just fine." He grinned then knelt to pick up the items.

Then suddenly, Greed was tackled again, from behind this time.

"What the hell!?" He looked, surprised.

"I missed you!" Announced Marta, the snake chimera as she hugged him (deciding not to constrict him, just hug), out of total happiness.

"Where were you?" The homunculus stood, snake lady still hanging off of him as he looked at her, confused. "And why are you acting like that?"

"I have no idea why I am so happy!" She replied, wiggling. "I just wanted to hug you the moment I saw you!" She squeaked.

"Have you gone crazy?"

"Yes!" She giggled.

"Where are the others?"

"I don't want to talk about it.. but that would be part of the reason I've gone crazy, I think!" She suddenly started constricting him, cutting off his air. He tried to speak, but she heard only his gagging noises, then finally let go. "Oops!" She giggled.

Later that day, after much talking while being settled in a nearby hotel, Greed learned what had happened to the others, and soon could no longer breathe. For Marta was hugging him again, once again, far too tight.

"Don't be sad!" She whimpered with all of her madness. "I'm here for youuuuuuuu!" In a few more moments, after she realized he was not replying, she let go again. He gasped for air, rubbing his throat. Once again able to speak, and breathe.

"You know." He leaned with one arm on his knee while sitting in a chair, his other hand rubbing his throat. "We should get you spayed."

"No please!!!" She sounded like she was about to cry. "I'll do anything! Just don't rid me of my reproductive organs!" She begged.

"I really really miss the old Marta..." He grumbled.

The next morning, Greed awoke to a bit giant smooch. After Marta had finished kissing the life out of him, she flopped across his chest and purred happily.

"I loooooooove you." She announced. Now hugging the life out of him. He decided to actually use his shield now, to avoid suffocation from her constriction.

Greed would have been happier if this was any girl but Marta. He held so much respect for her that was now all breaking apart to a million teeny tiny microscopic pieces before his very eyes. "Aren't you better, yet?" He asked.

"Better than what?" She answered his question with a question.

"Never mind." He said. "What do you want, now?"

"Just youuuuuuuu!"

"You don't want revenge for your fallen comrades?"

"No, just youuuuuuuuu!"

Later on in the day, they miraculously got something done. They had decided upon their next course of action. Greed was still Greed, and that meant he was greedy and wanted everything: power, glory, money, eternal life, ladies, and orange juice. Old news, yes. So he was going to use Marta's very loyal state to his advantage, in attempts to gain said everything. This meant she would serve him without pay, now. Only draw back was he had to feed her, water her, bring her to the vet once in a while, and give her baths (the bath part wasn't so bad, though).

Their goal was still the same, though. Marta would serve her purpose as Greed's loyal servant, and Greed would seek out an alchemist to get him his eternal life. So, their journey began. They would search far and wide, up and down, all around, in and out, and backwards and forwards. They made great progress...... well actually no. They would have, if they knew where to start.

--


End file.
